Hope to be back up to my usual forty-two soon! OP, I write this with all the kindness and empathy I can muster: Go to a therapist. Having gone through that experience, I would never do it again. It is best to treat work, well as work because it is work, and it does not have anything to do with being friends, if your friend wont be able to listen and abide by the rules that you set as her supervisor then it is not going to work. Heck, I dated at least five people I worked with back when I was in the service industry in my teens and early twenties. They no longer bother me. But there really hasnt been a full break there. I can see how doing it suddenly could be better for the company, but advance warning tends to be much nicer for the employees who actually get laid off. an affair with cocaine and lies is tanking my promotion, is my email address a problem, and more. Thats why Id feel, or at least worry, as the friend, that applying to the same company would negate the support and make it feel like so much hot air. how do you balance two big jobs in a family? OP, youre framing this as EITHER my feelings are 100% rational, my friend is in the wrong and therefore I get to disengage, OR my feelings are irrational, my friend is in the right and therefore I dont. my friend is applying for my job and I don't want to recommend her She never even would have heard of this event if I hadnt taken her. Friend wants my recommendation but I don't want to give it to him Theyre not worth it. I get it. A gracious step back now preserves the relationship. Bigger picture this kind of attitude is a terrible one. In my experience working in HR the only times advanced warning is given is in the rare circumstances that the WARN Act applies or in situations where an entire department is being laid off due to a client contract ending or a program ending where its obvious that the situation is time limited. As someone who also got a sudden layoff like you, I get it, and its the kind of burn you dont actually understand unless its happened to you. Thanks for the input. Career Envy: What to Do When a Friend Gets the Job You Wanted - The Muse There was an old CEO, Ron, that did not like Wakeen. It sounds like intellectually you know that but on a more visceral, emotional level you dont. Its terrible for the people who *arent* laid off, though. "It's a brave person who says 'I just want a change - I'm going to find . And they are self-aware about it. What should you do if you've gotten too emotionally. But try to see that your friend isnt doing anything wrong. I fucked my friends mom! Just saying. If the advice we give ends up feeling too sweeping and too personal, then we likely lose out on people returning the same kind of information to us. And that can take a major toll on your relationshipif you dont learn how to separate your work life from your friendship (and you start developing negative feelings instead), you could easily find yourself friendless and jobless. I mean, amongst my friend group no one had ever known someone it had happened to. Someone who is a good friend doesn't necessarily translate to someone who has a strong work ethic. Youre struggling with fertility and your friend gets pregnant right away, youve just had a messy breakup and your sister gets engaged, your feel stuck and unhappy in your job and your spouse gets a promotion and an award. Even if you're really good at your job, it can get boring. In 12 months, you probably wont care about any of this. They did you so wrong that I wont work there, but you should work there every chance you get because theyre awesome!. Mergers make positions redundant, departments get shifted between offices, products get discontinued. Of course its awful tolose a job you loved, and it can feel personal. People who are content with their careers usually dont begrudge other people seeking the same thing. They never were. I AM employed now! So you should know this is how they operate. Like WTF how could she like that post knowing what he did to me??? I see where you said this is not their norm to ditch employees like this and your friend knows this probably wont happen to her. OP, I noticed a few people here said your old company sucks. Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit. I think my friend is excellent at what they do, but that the job in question is a bit outside their wheelhouse and quite high up in the department structure. That's when things get super weird. I wouldnt be angry at my friend but I do think Id be quite hurt, and feel our friendship wasnt as strong as I had thought. Of course, that night, when we talked about what fun it. Puzzed, dazed, and just confused, i went into the other room, to hear him yelling stuff like "Please, i know you'd love a little a head" and "i just wanna try it with an adult". Everything has to be clearly documented, and there has to be a genuine business need for the layoffs. I Don't Want to Work Anymore : r/jobs - Reddit This happens all the time, your friend will want to prove herself to the big boss, and what happens when all of a sudden she starts getting all the praise, what happens when the job you used to do gets given to her? Like Alison said, you dont have to be a reference if this is still too painful, but you really need to think that your friend also deserves to think and make decisions for her own future. I was let go from two separate jobs early in my career with no notice. So, I'm at work and my wife just texted me this. Respectfully, I am trying very hard to take you at your word. And OP your friend did not have to ask for your input or permission to apply to your former employer, so get that out of your head. OP, I would encourage you to journal like hell right now and, gently, discourage your friend from confiding in you about the details of the application and interview process. Id also like to know what OP is working at now. Lets talk about boardgames for a while.. I still miss the people there, and what I did for a living but if I was employed by them again Id forever have tense shoulders waiting for the axe to fall. He said they were discriminating against him. Feelings dont work that way! and jehovah melted the mountain - operation fireful cleanup || nsppd || 27th july 2023 It also happened to be my friends favorite diehard sports team. Never tell them about it. Just figure out what you cant do, what you can do, and offer to do that. The person they inserted into my role retired a few months ago and seeing my old position posted broke my heart. To help you fully think it through, here are some of the most important pros and cons of working for a friend. OP, I think Im getting something slightly different about your feelings from most other people. She might not be able to separate the you that is her best friend and the you that is her supervisor, this can end badly. Use The Muse to find a job at a company with a culture you love. I feel seen here, as Im still struggling with feelings surrounding my own layoff after over 10 years and the fact that my former coworker is now in a job that didnt exist when I was working there but I would have loved to have. Thats just part of being human. Id hide it, but Id be hurt. Sounds like youre referring to the Fundamental Attribution Error? She was like I know you hate him and he screwed you over, but I need you to proof this for me. I found it incredibly insensitive. As irrational as it is, I feel as though this friend is now stealing my dream job from me, even though the position they are applying for is not the same as the one that I was laid off from. A girl did actually just quit but I saw that as an opportunity for me to get more hours. IME its way worse to try and bury or deny or try and rationalize your way out of actually feeling them than just letting them run their course. Id suggest working on dealing with having been laid off, possibly through therapy. You kind of want it both ways, you get to still have a relationship with them, but dont think anyone else you know should. I think youre right about the confusion, and that might be some of the reason that OP is having trouble resolving this too. And also I try to remember to attach the file first, before Ive written the email or put in the recipients name. OF COURSE people going to feel angry/beatup/bunch of other things. I on the other hand work for a company that is currently hiring new employees, I think my friend would be perfect for the job. It was an overall wild experience. Wakeen did great work but unfortunately Ron pushed him out and Wakeen was pretty devastated. Its easier to feel anger than to feel that powerlessness and hurt, so we glom onto it when its NOT helpful. I wouldnt want to work there! Many months with nary an interview, and I would have taken anything that would put food in my cats bowls. I love everything about this reply, but I want to specifically highlight that in many ways, THIS piece isjust as useful for personal relationships. apply for a job). I have recently found another job that I like quite a bit! How would you feel if they did? is it OK for my employee to do needlepoint in meetings? Its part of life. Unlike a corporate environment, where your ideas rarely make it to the top of the ladder, youll have immediate access to the boss to collaborate on big projects and provide important input. Sure, theres a chance to could come back but you cant wait around for it. Privacy Policy. They are actually usually more likely than I am to have a strong emotional reaction to things! Am I being too petty by having feelings about this and wanting to distance myself from this person? I think that you just repeated back to Pam Poovey exactly what they posted to say. + 1 to your first paragraph. Well, yes, I suppose I could be considered passionate about llamas, although right now I only have eleven (Covid). Its time to put all your energy into looking to a new opportunity. Why arent they using that other department?). There are so many people who would feel the same (understandably) but not have your humility and perspicacy and just act on their feelings and hurt their friend and their relationship (very wrongly). If you give advance warning, 100 of them are stressed, probably for a month or more. Pro #3: She'll Appreciate Your Input. All this made me way less resentful I knew that no one I was working with had deceived me or taken advantage of me.). If shed apply anyways, what was the point of asking? I totally get feeling thrown away and feeling like you didnt matter. Maybe in a few years or after I shed a few pounds! So I extra want to shout about it. Let me say, I still have some bitterness there, and Im willing to wager its because Im constantly reminded about it. I remember how hurt and stressed and upset I was when I wrote them but reading them now is like seriously? I am thinking of what is best for my survival, not so much loyalty to my friend. was, I had to fuck the shit out of my hub! Youre not punishing them; youre doing whats best for you during a tough time. What if you become your friend's supervisor, imagine drinking during the weekend and going wild with your friend knowing and . I wouldnt do it either. However, I trust that they would acclimate over time, thus what I meant by fairly okayish.. Self-awareness is great, but its not worth trying to talk yourself out of feeling what you feel. Listen with empathy, and work on detaching your desire for your old job from Friends desire for this separate job. Lets be nicer to each other. I will definitely work on this, and thank you! Recognizing and respecting our feelings is how we get them out of the drivers seat and make decisions based on our values. Is it a good idea to work with your best friend? The key part here is giving them an outlet that nobody else hears or sees. Very actionable!! If you really need to, you can tell your friend something like, I hope it goes well for you, but its still a really tender spot for me so I hope youll understand if I cant hear much about it for now.. I thought this as well at first, but then I realized that OP may not be good at faking enthusiasm when shes really not feeling something and why should she for this particular situation? Am I being too petty by having feelings about this and wanting to distance myself from this person? Its entirely possible that the person giving out the work was different than the person doing the layoff, and they probably didnt know it was going to happen. Its going to shake the foundations of something youd relied on for safety and rather than confronting that, it can be easier to feel like its somehow your fault. You have the good grace to acknowledge your feelings are not necessarily warranted, yet you feel them anyway. (OP here) You may come across as bitter or unprofessional to the department, which could potential chill a future possibility for rehire and if your friend found out they would be rightly quite upset with you. So I share what I know and what Id do, and just hope that by being an honest broker people will afford me the same kind of professional honesty. I think it stirred up the same you have no power or meaning here! feeling I got from the original job loss, who knows. If you feel you cant do that, you can explain to your friend that its just too much of a sore spot but keep in mind that thats going to be hard to say credibly if youre also doing contract work for this company! Yeah. LOL! I think its a shitty way to treat people, and while I agree that the LW should find a way to shift the feeling of resentment towards the friend, I would warn them against the employer! Inappropriate Friendships When Married | Midlife Divorce Recovery If no and theres no path for you to find out, then you need to see if you can create or find another dream job. It doesnt seem from the letter that they did anything horrible to them. Ana, Minnesota. Anyways he wanted me to quit too. Nov 19, 2009 Yes, your wife rocks. Its not reasonable to expect an entire company to be off-limits to a friend because you once worked there and were let go. In that convention story, the insurance agent played by Anne Heche looks forward to the annual . I am sure your feelings were exasperated by still having a tie to the place- through contracting work. Ill get over myself eventually but I just wanted to get it out there in case you notice me acting weird. For *six years* I entered a pageant for an annual event that I love; but I was never chosen to be a finalist. If someone else runs a stop sign (especially if theyre not a member of my in-group, such as a motorcycle rider), theyre careless and a scofflaw and endangering others and a blight on society. We were part of the same department with same title. The laying-off was last winter, and OP says it took months to begin applying for work again. Its quite different than the last in some ways, and I do occasionally pine for the halcyon days of before, but mostly Im glad to be working somewhere with lovely coworkers and a good atmosphere. And that is exacerbated by your continued contracting (which I think it would be for me as well. And they should pay you reasonable severance. New Season Prophetic Prayers and Declarations [NSPPD - Facebook I like this a lot. Being unfairly associated with a slacking colleague. So it took everyone I know here a minute to even believe that I had lost my job! If people know its coming, the workplace becomes a terrible place to work and, like hiring, layoffs often take longer than expected, so it drags on for months. my coworker tries to drown out my music with her own, propping your foot up on your desk, and more, is my employee lying to avoid coming into the office, convention center wont turn down the music, and more, my old job wont stop asking me to come back. But Im of the opinion that you need to keep it to yourself because they havent done anything wrong. Exactly in the UK layoffs are known as redundancies, and the company is legally supposed to be able to prove that its the job that is redundant, not the person. Its certainly possible to be laid off in a good way that doesnt cause bad feelings towards the company. Select the career path that aligns with you: Marketing Sales Data Human Resources Customer Service Software Engineering Product Management Education Design and UX Administration How many years of experience do you have? I think you need to tell your friend that you hope it works out for her but this is still pretty raw for you and that you cant really be the go to person on this. Im glad youre ok and have a job you like! I realize thats very extra, nor would I ever say anything to her, or in reality even hold it against her, I get it, and that my vendetta (not really) is not hers, but I couldnt help but feel a little stab when I saw that. Yes. This is anecdotal but I thought it might be nice for OP to read, I work at an org that had a guy Wakeen work here for years. The stinging part was the lack of pause, I believe, or the lack of acknowledging either you would have a good insight into this or this may cause a feeling or two. Not the job-wanting itself. The bulk of my team had moved over to a new company as part of an acquisition back in 2012, and they brought me over the following year. Ive been made redundant before and I know people who have gone on to work for that company, and it doesnt bother me (beyond a rather them than me sort of feeling). I wrote a letter here instead of risking causing undue hurt to them. Try this . So deep in the friend zone she lets me finger her?? haha Its very common for layoffs to be sudden though. The point is that youre fine and you dont have to worry about it so hard. Ymmv but I have seen a lot of overlap in my life, that people who struggle with boundaries struggle with them in multiple types of situations not just in a single arena. Its probably just me, but I have never seen that one work out. Line of authority. It impacts their personal life. Im so sorry that happened to you twice! Yup, thats exactly what I would say to the friend in OPs position. Like you said, the companys decision may have been just about business but Id expect my friendship to not be. Fast forward to several months later, when this friend suddenly tells me that they are applying for a job in the same department that laid me off. My impression also is that you yourself have mixed feelings about your company. Thanks for updating us! What company benefits are most important to you? Its rough but its good that you know what your friend is doing. The vast majority of layoffs are unexpected and impersonal (i.e. It sounds to me like theyre not well-organized at all, considering how you were laid off. Them. In my opinion a white lie would be far worse and more likely to . Youd think that being told you have done nothing wrong when being let go is the ideal situation, but it was horrible to know there was no way I could have helped myself and that my skills and abilities were not at all part of the decision to let me go. But, they do exist: Getting a job offer (finally)? She sent me a draft of her email to him asking him if she could use him as a reference. That is a time to change friend to enemy. My girlfriend (18F) wants to apply at my job (19M) need advice Friend, this is so weird but I actually feel jealous that you are getting Thing and not me. They laid OP off, but thats business. My friend was wondering if there were any job openings at my current job working at a dog kennel and I don't want her to work here. Id think any doubts friend had about the company, though, have probably been alleviated by OPs willingness to keep working with them, maintain friendships, and possibly being pretty obvious that OP would work for them again in a heartbeat. Could you really trust the company not to suddenly ditch you again with no warning? They helped you at a very difficult point in your life and it will seem rather petty and dramatic if you turn right around and say Im sorry, I cant deal with hearing about this after what theyve done for you. That settles it. Ive had advance warning, and sudden is way better. applicant used mom as a reference, should I apologize for laughing at my coworkers language slip, and more, update: a thought experiment is causing a cold war in my office. See the paragraph that starts with, I think not seeing that clearly is connected to why being laid off for reasons that had nothing to do with you made you feel inferior :). ! Especially because I think the quiet part of their lack of explanation was that Im fat and didnt fit their aesthetic. If part of us was to stay and the other had to go I think it would have been much more taxing and likely to create bad feelings. Furthermore, if your friends job would take away your contracting hours, because it is too close to the old job you had, then I honestly would see that more as a betrayal, and I dont think its petty to avoid helping her with something that would take away from something you like doing. When Spouse was laid off with no warning, it was four years before we were financially stable again. And good personal relationships require such an honest look at oneself, in a way that almost opposes what a business relationship would sometimes. Most likely, your friend offered you a job because she knows you're trustworthy, hard-working, and altogether deserving of the salary she's paying you out of her pocket. Im glad you found a new position. And they should pay you reasonable severance. But its not, and making your brain challenge that thinking will help you make better decisions for yourself going forward. We had to sell our house and leave the state and the support structure wed built up over 20 years. Going to a job that you hate every day can wreak havoc on your body and mind. Nearly four years ago . OP here, and I think you hit the nail on the head describing my feelings. Sometimes the answer is were not going to make that product anymore or we had to get rid of 5 people, and you were hired last or Sam is better at Excel than you are, and we had to make a choice or the director didnt recognize your name. After I didnt, he tried to stay friends with me for a while. how do I recover after an employee took advantage of my trust? I liked the me that let go of the anger and feelings of unfair much better, and so I focused on taking small actions that supported my friend. Okay this is kind of ridiculous but bear with me. I was unsatisfied in my last job and not desperate for money or work. That is great loyalty, and I appreciated him for it. When I was laid off I actually preferred we had quite long notice period, nor did I feel too unhappy about it because I was looking forward to freelancing. I think youre thinking of the Actor-Observer Bias. I totally understand where your feelings are coming from! A place to discuss career options, to ask questions and give advice! BUT: If she wasn't curious and interested in you, she wouldn't bother. I wish Id had the confidence to say hey, I support you, but I cant be the person you tell all this to.. I couldnt control the loss Id experienced. With your feelings toward your company, I know its easy to say its business, not personal but these are business relationships, not personal ones.
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